Do not love: feeling discouraged
Last Friday, after an important monthly meeting that I run at work, I came back to my office and kind of sat there for a while just feeling incompetent and discouraged. It wasn’t because of the people, because honestly I work with some amazing people and I am always encouraged and uplifted when I am around some of them — no, it was me. I was disappointed in myself. I was unhappy with my choices and frustrated with my shortcomings. I went from 0 to 10 (which I tend to do sometimes) — from feeling happy and excited about the day (it was Friday, and I was working a half day, need I say more?) to feeling miserable and like an absolute failure. Talk about overreacting, I know! Or rather, over-feeling. Both? And yes, I am aware that I tend to do this sometimes, and I am even more aware of the fact that I usually (and successfully) tend to push it away from me.
But I felt like the kind of person that does nothing of importance and knows absolutely nothing. I felt terrible. I felt unworthy. And when I get like this, when I start to feel like this, it clings to me and doesn’t let go of me easily.
And normally, I am OK with just letting most people exist nearby but far away from me, emotionally – actually, I PREFER it that way. But sometimes, very rarely, I meet someone and I am greatly encouraged by them, and quickly love them, and feel HOPE and UNDERSTOOD because of them. A kindred spirit, or whatever. Not in a romantic way, but in a powerful, overwhelmingly HUMAN way. Mostly, though, when I meet these people I both want and need them so badly in my life while also feel intimidated by them. I start to bounce back and forth between feeling like maybe, just maybe they really do understand me and can help me become a better, happier person, and between feeling like I am unworthy of them and they have enough people in their life and I will never have a real part of it so why even try?
See what I mean, about the overreacting? And to think that all of this started because I felt I did a shitty job at a work meeting.
And yes, as terrible as this feeling is, it’s not quite like it was in my youth –when I felt so completely and utterly alone and desperate. I am at a place now where I KNOW that I have friends that love me, and where I actually feel like I have people that believe in me. But, it’s still shitty, ok? And I am letting myself admit that. It’s not as extreme (likely because I don’t have the raging hormones of teenage me), but it’s still so, so familiar and overpowering.
But, nonetheless, this is different. I crave to be understood. I have found so few people that intimidate me and inspire me this much (and always, in the least opportune places, such as D, back in high school.) And feeling like shit around them and unworthy of them is frustrating.
This great plunge in self-worth couldn’t have come at a worse time. I was doing better. I was feeling better.
But, as they say, c’est la vie. And life will go on, and on and on, and I will try to feel like a less shitty person and focus on the seemingly small (yet for me, huge) ways in which I am trying to improve myself and become that kind of brave, clever, inspiring person that so inspires me.
Yes, things might be hard right now for me, and I may feel that tight feeling in my chest and feel worthless and cry randomly throughout the day – I am acknowledging it, and I’m looking past it –
to this Sunday – yoga with Scott, no excuses.
To every day until (and after) then – daily meditation, despite how pointless everything might seem.
To today, during which I begin my journey to the true me.