Do not love: the journey to the person I want to be
This week I saw a post by a friend on Facebook saying, “become what you love” and I realized in that moment just how much I’m actually trying to do that right now, and how difficult this journey is — from this person I currently am to the person I want to be .
I know, I’m supposed to enjoy this right? I’m supposed to “love the journey” and love the fact that I’m finally changing my life, my self, and that there are finally some real steps being taken to a better, less-shitty me. And of course, there are moments when I see all the good in the details that all of this change actually entails. There are times when I feel happy and not completely alone and when I feel hopeful in my every step and my every breath. But in reality, this journey almost always sucks. It’s exhausting and lonely and at times very discouraging. The majority of the time I am actually struggling a lot, not only with the decisions I make every day to try to make the changes I want to make, but also with the fear that sometimes takes a hold of me and paralyzes me and threatens any future advancement towards my goal.
After seeing those words, “become what you love” – so simple, yet with so much power resonating from them – I realized that maybe I have taken some steps towards the wrong path lately. Maybe I have been making some decisions that were not the decisions the type of person I love would ever make. I knew I had to fix it even though there was shitty dixy screaming at me to just let it be, to just let myself feel the moment and live in it and just enjoy the experience because damn, sometimes the experience is amazing and you don’t want to let it go. And that’s the struggle – knowing when to let it go, and being able to identify that very thin, fuzzy line between living one’s life to the fullest and causing others pain.
So, the good thing is I made the right decision, the decision I needed to make in order to be at peace with myself and not repeat my past mistakes. The bad thing is that yes, this does mean one less great moment in my life, and yes I’m still lonely and afraid and all of it is so overwhelming sometimes.
But, at least tomorrow, and all of the days after, when I wake up in the morning, I will hate myself a little less (or rather, love and respect myself a little more).