And if you fail, well then you fail.

i was blind, now i'm starting to see...i was blind, but i think i’m starting to see…

I was thinking back about the first time that I really understood that my mother may not always know best. I suspected,in my childhood, like when she said that wearing certain clothes looked slutty while I thought it looked adorable, or when she wouldn’t let me spend the night at my best friend’s house even after years of her spending the night at mine. So, no, I wasn’t surprised when I finally clearly saw that sometimes her reactions and explanations were just wrong, I suspected, but I never knew in my heart until the day she found me making out behind the portables with John. That was the day that we both became aware of  how different we would always be. It was the day mother’s image of me as a straight A student who lived by God’s rules and never misbehaved was shattered. I remember hearing the honking of the car for at least 15 seconds before I even realized it was her car, and that that loud shrill, repetitive noise was meant for me.

Although she was parked quite a bit down the road, it was obvious from her honking that she had seen everything John and I were doing while standing there. I turned red and looked away from John’s eyes as he tried to look into them, then pulled away while asking God in my mind to save me. Anything was better than what I was about to face. He was confused as to why I had pulled my mouth away so suddenly and begged for an explanation but the best I could do was say a simple “she just saw us” while i grabbed my book bag off the floor and started walking towards my mother’s car, shaking with disappointment and fear.

So you see, that’s the only way I knew to live back then. That’s how I’ve always lived, still, and how I am trying to move away from living. Back then, pissing of my mother or breaking her rules meant I could end up homeless on the streets, or in mental misery (like when I got grounded, from reading!). Somehow, I’m a (mostly) functioning adult all on my own now.

This means I can live another way now.
I can live many ways until I find the way I want to live.
And if none seem right, I can try them all and take parts and pieces I like.
I can live my own path.

I’m the only thing in my way.

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